My Dear Little Big Friend - A Kind Of Letter To My Son

02 07 2012 Thinking About

"There is my friend" was my very first thought when I saw you for the first time twelve and a half years ago.

A doctor had just helped you by Caesarean section to come into this world. He hovered you over my left shoulder so I could take a look at you and you glanced contently and calm right back into my eyes. And even with being paralyzed downwards from my belly on, my thinking was perfectly clear, straightforward and not exhausted at all, because this had been a planned event.

You never turned head down in my womb.

My gynecologist was absolutely confident that you had just turned back again, but being able to compare to my second pregnancy later, I now know, that this had never been the case - case in point that some people literally cannot tell a head from an ass :) 

So we learned - despite regular ultrasound - just one day before your due date about your particular situation being breach. Giving birth naturally in reverse order starting with your feet, then shoulders and at last your little big head - to be honest - that didn't really sound fun. So we went with surgery.

Whatever - You were finally here and I was happy and grateful - even for Grandpa's big birthmark who has skipped me but magically made it onto the left side of your cute belly. What a great insurance against possible confusion in the hospital: I would ALWAYS find you back with this little fairy kiss on your side - was my relieved thought while they were busy finishing up their things so I could finally welcome you into my arms and life.

I relaxed and then wondered. "There is my friend" - what a nonsense I was thinking, right? My baby, my darling, my little cutie, my son ... yes, all THOSE words would have been appropriate; but "my friend"? This small being, this little miracle, couldn't possible be my friend right away, right ???? I was just kidding, right ? I'm a mommy now - no weird thinking anybody - let's be serious..

What exactly is friendship anyway? For me, above all it's many facets, it is CONFIDENCE.

And raising children with confidence is basically like jumping down a cliff without a parachute all the time

Amazingly it turned out that this very first friendship thought regarding you was and is the correct term of our relationship - because the friend feeling persisted. In the early hours when you slept next to me puffing the sweetest sounds, in the early days that followed and where they found out about your hip dysplasia, the first few weeks, months, years ... I never EVER felt the need for that rescue parachute I was talking above. Instead I found myself happily in a completely and utterly genius friendship with you.

"Yah right - Friendship and Happiness" would you say annoyed, if you knew what I'm writing here right now. You angrily sit at the piano this very moment. Complaining, grumbling, almost crying. You do not want to practice now - actually, you never want to at any time. You would much rather read or play a computer game.

"What kind of friend is this anyway, who's forcing me to play piano? What kind of friend is this, who always wants me to move even though I love to hang out. What kind of friend is this, who constantly wants something: learn, clean up, go pick up, wash, bring, learn a bit more... pff! Tiger-mom!"

You are not able to take that frustration and put it into words yet. That I'm only trying to help you achieving your "best" sounds often even really lame to myself... Interpreting feelings and then talk about it - "Oh please NO ...don't bother me", is your default attitude about that "feeling" topic. You are quiet, calm, rarely stubborn so far. Unbelievable smart - You memorize volumes of knowledge that leaves me speechless. PLEASE take good care of those precious brain cells in a few years and don't harm this gifted body with any bad stuff! 

So - due to all this nature of reality - our friendship might be still a bit unequal - but undoubtedly, it has always been there!

And the signs of growing equality between us are more than hopeful and promising.

My greatest wish for our future: I would love nothing more than healthily and happily remain friends forever!!!

Why would I share something so personal to the public?

I had a deep, from the heart outbound need for it. It's a significant milestone for me to be able to blog about personal content. Of course -  by any means - that was just my personal goal. Everyone is different and needs to find it's own (blogging) way.

I have been doing a blogging workshop over the past weeks with one of my favorite bloggers: Holly Becker from decor 8. "Blogging Your Way" is a great online course with tons of valuable information and definitely helps your blogging adventure reaching up to the next level. The course outline is exellent and exceeded my expectations. So well made. However, the most important finding for me personally during the workshop was the "blogging from the heart" lecture.

And that is what I've just done! :)

Last but not least: here is a little side story: I once met Holly personally during her book launch tour. The room in which she gave a lecture, was equipped with chairs for the participants. On all these chairs was a stack of various cards and flyers. I thought, this was the famous business card exchange that occurs on these legendary American blogger summits I had heard so much about online.

So I spontaneously put my Lebenslustiger card on top of each chair thinking that this is what everybody else had done or was about to do. I better should have asked ...

The next day I received a tweet from Holly. This stack of cards was exclusively from sponsors!! Shame on me - how embarrassing - I felt horrible and terribly sorry but there was nothing I could do about it then excuse myself.

Well - let's hope Holly has forgiven me my faux-pas...